Sunday, February 24, 2008

Handle These Snakes

"Democracy, too, is a religion. It is the worship of jackals by jackasses." - H. L. Mencken

I could quote that guy everyday, and never have a loss of appropriate words.

O.K. It's Snake Handlin' Sunday again. We are sure to get around to grabbin' some serpents. But first, look at this. Now, for those in medical school, chalk this up for advanced placement in your third-year psychiatric rotation. Perhaps some Haldol in the alcohol-free communion wine could help with such inconveniences on Sunday. For those of you in the job market, hold your tongues during the interview if you want that job.

Now for snakes in general. I had a roommate and fraternity brother in college who owned a six-foot python. To call this animal a "pet" is a very liberal stretch of the term. Pets usually offer companionship, entertainment and in some cases, protection. This snake offered none of the above. Other than a mere shock reaction by those who fear snakes, Mr. Charlie (as if he even knew his own name, or if it was a "he" at all), had nothing in these arenas. Look at snake, snake looks at nothing. Pick up snake, snake does nothing. Yell at snake, snake ignores you. About the only five, short minutes of action we got from this lumbering hulk was feeding time. Some poor rat had to be sacrificed for this, and that was the five minutes of excitement until about six weeks later (I think the theory that snakes have slow digestive systems is a myth - they are constipated). The roommate (remaining anonymous) ended up in some rather nefarious legal troubles, found someone stupid enough to buy the snake, and paid off his court costs and attorney fees. Done deal - end of snake.

Now, for some real snake handling, try picking a fight with one of these characters. It took five strong men, and they were not speaking in tongues - they were speaking Spanish, and I think a few bits of foul language were thrown in. Here is a big snake in action. A rattler might bite you, and it might be painful, but a trip to the E.R. with some antivenin will keep you alive. If the snakes posessed neurotoxins, a bite on most people who engage in such behaviors would be benign. Perhaps they should handle coral snakes. The constrictors, however, will EAT YOU! I cannot imagine the Wednesday night revival at Mount Bethel Reformed Church of Jayeezus responding to a suspicious disappearance every time they bring out the snake. How do you put that in the weekly bulletin? "Sister Desdemona Hazel Gertrude Bumpkin taken by Holy Rapture at Wednesday night revival. Snake mysteriously relaxed. Hallelujah!"

Meanwhile - "Ab yiddy yab a boogabooga yip a dip simbata boloolooloo - arrrrrggh! A snake!"


Saint in Exile said...

That was the funniest Snake Handlin' Sunday yet. Keep up the mockery.

Boogification said...

Thanks for the review. I think I can top it this Sunday. In the meantime, while they are still asleep, go grab a bunch of them and put an ad in some West Virginia newspaper "Demon Serpents for sale - $100 per fang". Betcha won't have to work for a while.