Buying a Stairway to Heaven

“If you have a particular faith or religion, that is good. But you can survive without it.” - The Dalai Lama

OK. It's Sunday again, and the category is weirdness among "christians" (I use quotations out of intent and for good reason). I happen to be a Christian, not that its anybody's business, but a heap of people out there seem to have this insatiable need to make their business mine, so it's only polite that I reciprocate out of good manners.

There are a groups out there that are impervious to logic; among them are global warming cultists, The Flat Earth Society, people that buy Micheal Moore's horse squeeze, and religious zealots. You cannot reason with these people, and nothing makes them more hopping mad than ignoring them. However, I found a great deal. For $600 you can bother the crap out of people and have the certification to show it.

The Way of the Master, in just three days, promises to instruct you how to "seek and save the lost the way Jesus did." Airfare is not included, but the hotel is (I guess they want all students of salvation staying in one place, just in case ol' Scratch comes around). Upon closer examination, a lot of time is spent on "street evangelism and open-air preaching". I don't know about you, but in any major city it is not hard to find "street evangelists" out making fools of themselves and disturbing what is left of the peace. I am willing to bet the rent that the overwhelming majority of them did not have to spend six hundred bucks to do it either. The First Amendment guarantees them all the credentials necessary for this profession. If your really want to see "street evangelism" en masse, just wait until the next Harry Potter book comes out or Marilyn Manson comes to town. You will get "evangelized" whether you like it or not.

Jesus Christ is about the most famous person ever in history. Considering the man only spent three of his thirty-three years on earth in his ministry, that is not small communion wafers. If Muslims wouldn't get so worked up over images of Mohammed and let people actually have a face to go with the name, perhaps their advertising campaign would be more successful. At least they wouldn't have to threaten people with death in order to convert them.

What gets me is the six hundred bucks. Jesus convinced twelve people not only to drop everything they were doing, but to follow him around for FREE. That was one heck of a sales pitch. I must also say it remains successful 2000 years later. I happen to be a customer. Alright, maybe not the best customer, since I am Episcopalian. I was only made aware of this while minding my own business outside, you guessed it, a rock concert (Nine Inch Nails in particular) and wearing a tee shirt with the Episcopalian shield on it. There must have been some defect in the printing of this particular shield, since it failed to protect me from being accosted by a "street evangelist" overly concerned about the condition of my salvation. "You know you goin' to 'hale' if you keep goin' to that fag church.", the fellow said. I looked at him after a pregnant pause and responded "May the Lord be with you too", and walked away amidst the screechings of many a chapter and verse from this guy.

Jesus hung out with prostitutes, thieves (tax collectors), women (gasp) and the poor. I don't think I have the patience or the stomach for an IRS agent, but since I am doomed to hell eternal for being Episcopalian, I guess I will hang out with other people on their way there too, even if it means having to change flights in Atlanta. Better than going to a Heaven crowded with people like this.